almost completely

i went for pastor debra's leaders' retreat recently, about one month back, and it was great though i didn't exactly update then how the retreat had impacted me. but i want to do it now.

this is one thing that's been bugging me... since when did i stop my entries on God?

i flipped back and checked my multiply entries, and i remember somewhere i started a blog to remember all God has done for me.

and partly, it's to share my walk with whoever's interested to read about it.

aye... things have changed since.

this latest retreat started off badly. i did not want to go but i did it anyway because i felt obligated to, since i was a 'leader' (i really don't feel like i belong to this category... but that is another thing altogether). i was totally unprepared, physically, mentally, spiritually, and haha, clothes-wise too, since i had no idea what the program was.

it just seemed as if i was pretty much just going with the flow. very bo-chap, you know?

when i got there, however, little was i to know God had plans.

plans to heal me. and the one thing he wanted me to deal with was the first session:

i can't say what ps debra said exactly, but i only remember that He was using her to talk to me.

the summary?

i'm too lazy, i don't care about my relationship with Him anymore, i don't even bother to try and draw near to Him, to seek Him, to ask for His help. everything i do was by my own strength; i prayed out of habit, i'm allowing myself to be jaded. my heart was cold, though on the outside i looked perfectly normal.

and because of that, i've lost all His blessings, i can't see His miracles, i can't be bothered with my children cell group (i go for cell... just to go, u know? it's all duty, and not my calling... nothing!), and even that fragile relationship i have with alvin was being affected by my attitude.

that's the word, ATTITUDE.

my attitude was just 'like that lor *shrug*'.

and wow, was that a wake up call.

and when i thought, ok this is the only thing i need to change, He continued to show me what was wrong.

i was just praying after the session...

(and sobbing a little coz i felt guilty, ashamed of how i'm treating the children in my care, and oh so relieved for the GRACE that came to rescue me from the pits. i didn't even know i was wallowing in a shit-hole.)

... when God continued. 'know why you're like that? you have not forgiven him.'

i blanched. quite stupid of me to think that He, The Almighty, would not find out.

and i knew He was right. i'd been harbouring all the hurt still, though it's been almost 2 years.

(uh, please be reminded that at this point, i'm fine already... if not i won't be sharing this with anyone at all.)

and then He just left it as that. the session ended, and i went for our barbeque session with His last words running on repeat in my mind.

during the bbq, i figured that i had to talk to aileen and run through all the things i needed to let go and forgive, and i thought, well, i just need to do things on my own initiative.

after the bbq, we went back for session #2.

ps debra: 'alright, this session will be about BGR and forgiveness.'

(i like how she always calls it BGR... it makes the whole topic seem so juvenile that it's funny, heehee)

i flipped.

and everything i had in my mind to do, she talked about. how hurts get chalked up when break ups happen, how promises made and broken can make one so bitter and resentful, how placing yourself totally into a relationship can end so much emotional damage... and about soul ties.

i knew that was the one thing i had to break: soul-ties.

and so i did.

this was not the first time i'd prayed about it, but i knew the previous times when i'd prayed, i wasn't praying to God to help me, i was merely relying on myself, on methods like avoiding, putting those thoughts away from my mind... it was just all upon myself.

but this time, it's not easy to avoid God who was there telling me 'i'm HERE, i've come, i will help you.'

and really, if i can't rely on Him... who else?

aileen and i prayed, i cried everything out, and then just like that, healing took place.

---

it's been one month plus, and i'm not saying that i'm completely okay but i really feel the change.

alvin's great. he's really supporting me, and i'm really, really changing under his care. when we started off, he knew i was not completely over everything yet, but he just gave me space to deal with things.

and then one of the ways i (haha) 'manifested' was that i could not bear to think of our relationship going the long-term. i guess i was just very wary and kinda scared of over-committing.

but i think i'm better now. i didn't even hyperventilate when he mentioned that he's got enough savings for a wedding. wow. :D

i thank God. :)

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i remember you asked me before, 'if we ever broke up, how long do u think it'll take for you to get over me?'

anddddddd we finally have an answer!

2 years! (not 'forever', hahahahahaha)

i truly wish that you'll be happy and blessed too. :)