depression is a spirit
the past three church services have been wonderful experiences. i've been wanting to blog about it but kept putting it off.
---
honestly, only when you start work will you fully relish a one day holiday. you can accomplish so much in a day! been watching glee (it's a great musical series), started watching Fringe season 2, cleaned my room, planned ahead for the wedding (of which the date still has not been set), and later i will tidy up my computer. if i sleep before 11pm, i will jog tomorrow morning. :D
---
week 1:
during worship i suddenly turned to natalie who was right beside me and said, 'you know, i think God wants me to tell you that there are other ways to worship Him aside from singing... i think i will see you on stage someday.'
after saying that to her, immediately i started to doubt myself. oh man, what if that's not really what i'm supposed to say? what if i'm encouraging her to love her instrument more than worship? what if, what if...
then i stopped. i need to stop doubting what i thought i heard. if it's wrong, so be it. i let it go.
worship ended and we all sat down. normally, after the announcements are done, the sermon would begin. but that day, pastor melvin said there was a special performance...
about 10 drummers from fcbc suddenly burst onto stage and started a percussion performance. it was really, really good! and guess what... at the end of it, the performance was a recruitment drive for a year-end percussion performance.
i turned to natalie with my eyes shining. she knew what i was thinking too - this is it. this was what i was talking about! in the end we both signed up for it (i joined in order to be her moral support... and because i've always wanted to play on drums. i went mad practicing on rock band immediately after that, haha.) oh and alvin also got dragged into this, thanks to me.
i am so glad i heard, and acted upon it. :)
---
week 2:
i can't really remember the exact happenings, but i do recall being really happy to go for service and telling myself to do more quiet time whenever possible. i also reviewed my days when i was 20 and going to church, and contrasted it with the present.
that week's sermon was about doing quiet time, and reviewing the days of daniel's youth and contrasting it with who he was 70 years later. still doing the same thing, praying three times a day.
it's like reinforcing what i'd already heard on the way to service. also, during worship i heard an 'i love you' and had first thought that was meant for my girls, but i got a little shake and heard 'that was for you'. how many times have i stood there and prayed for my girls, that i've forgotten to quench my own thirst?
---
week 3 (last sunday):
i had a really bad saturday. it scared me a little when i just suddenly burst into tears in the cab ride, and lost all interest in rock band... i just stopped being able to play, and stopped wanting to play mid-song.
my body sagged, and i knew that my demons had resurfaced. i pretended nothing was wrong, but when i got home i started to crack. then just as i closed my eye to welcome sleep, i just couldn't. all the fatigue that i'd felt before turning in left me, and all i had were my dark room, and thoughts and words running over, and over and over...
i started crying and sobbed so hard that i couldn't breathe. i tried calling alvin but he was not there, so i cried even harder, believing that i was all alone, unloved and friendless. i still remember my state of mind at that point - it was hopeless and very bleak. funny thing was, i knew that i was being attacked, but it didn't help that they were all half-truths.
eventually i calmed myself down and blacked out. the next morning i woke up feeling disoriented and i knew i had to tackle the problem. i wrote my email, read it through twice and clicked 'send'. then i knew - I HAVE TO GET TO CHURCH.
it was the week when the paradise band came down to preach. i worshipped my heart out, willing myself to feel better. i felt a little more perked up by the time worship was over, and the sermon was very apt. praise God first, ps ashley said. in all obstacles, adversities, disencouragements, praise God first.
when they made the altar call, i suddenly froze. then i thought to myself, if alvin comes down to look for me... maybe i'll go. for the record, alvin never comes over to nudge me for altar call. but of course, this time he did. when he popped up next to me, i started, and asked him why he came down to look for me. 'nothing, actually... but are you ok?' i shook my head, then tentatively told him about the altar call deal. he laughed and encouraged me to go.
but i didn't respond to the call in the end, and just stood there with alvin next to me. interestingly, ps khong suddenly made a second altar call for people who were feeling depressed. i raised my hands with no hesitation. pray for me please, i really need this.
alvin prayed for me at the same time ps khong was praying for those who'd raised their hands. i wasn't feeling anything, but my tears kept running from my closed lids.
when he was done, alvin stopped, and i opened up my eyes.
it was gone. there was nothing left... i didn't feel an ounce of sadness or fear. nothing.
i'm free!! :)
it's like a spirit which fled and is no longer torturing me. i do still need to confront my problems, but it's a lot easier without all that paranoia suffocating me.
it's been so good walking with God, hearing Him and experiencing His power. it really beats resting on my laurels.
---
honestly, only when you start work will you fully relish a one day holiday. you can accomplish so much in a day! been watching glee (it's a great musical series), started watching Fringe season 2, cleaned my room, planned ahead for the wedding (of which the date still has not been set), and later i will tidy up my computer. if i sleep before 11pm, i will jog tomorrow morning. :D
---
week 1:
during worship i suddenly turned to natalie who was right beside me and said, 'you know, i think God wants me to tell you that there are other ways to worship Him aside from singing... i think i will see you on stage someday.'
after saying that to her, immediately i started to doubt myself. oh man, what if that's not really what i'm supposed to say? what if i'm encouraging her to love her instrument more than worship? what if, what if...
then i stopped. i need to stop doubting what i thought i heard. if it's wrong, so be it. i let it go.
worship ended and we all sat down. normally, after the announcements are done, the sermon would begin. but that day, pastor melvin said there was a special performance...
about 10 drummers from fcbc suddenly burst onto stage and started a percussion performance. it was really, really good! and guess what... at the end of it, the performance was a recruitment drive for a year-end percussion performance.
i turned to natalie with my eyes shining. she knew what i was thinking too - this is it. this was what i was talking about! in the end we both signed up for it (i joined in order to be her moral support... and because i've always wanted to play on drums. i went mad practicing on rock band immediately after that, haha.) oh and alvin also got dragged into this, thanks to me.
i am so glad i heard, and acted upon it. :)
---
week 2:
i can't really remember the exact happenings, but i do recall being really happy to go for service and telling myself to do more quiet time whenever possible. i also reviewed my days when i was 20 and going to church, and contrasted it with the present.
that week's sermon was about doing quiet time, and reviewing the days of daniel's youth and contrasting it with who he was 70 years later. still doing the same thing, praying three times a day.
it's like reinforcing what i'd already heard on the way to service. also, during worship i heard an 'i love you' and had first thought that was meant for my girls, but i got a little shake and heard 'that was for you'. how many times have i stood there and prayed for my girls, that i've forgotten to quench my own thirst?
---
week 3 (last sunday):
i had a really bad saturday. it scared me a little when i just suddenly burst into tears in the cab ride, and lost all interest in rock band... i just stopped being able to play, and stopped wanting to play mid-song.
my body sagged, and i knew that my demons had resurfaced. i pretended nothing was wrong, but when i got home i started to crack. then just as i closed my eye to welcome sleep, i just couldn't. all the fatigue that i'd felt before turning in left me, and all i had were my dark room, and thoughts and words running over, and over and over...
i started crying and sobbed so hard that i couldn't breathe. i tried calling alvin but he was not there, so i cried even harder, believing that i was all alone, unloved and friendless. i still remember my state of mind at that point - it was hopeless and very bleak. funny thing was, i knew that i was being attacked, but it didn't help that they were all half-truths.
eventually i calmed myself down and blacked out. the next morning i woke up feeling disoriented and i knew i had to tackle the problem. i wrote my email, read it through twice and clicked 'send'. then i knew - I HAVE TO GET TO CHURCH.
it was the week when the paradise band came down to preach. i worshipped my heart out, willing myself to feel better. i felt a little more perked up by the time worship was over, and the sermon was very apt. praise God first, ps ashley said. in all obstacles, adversities, disencouragements, praise God first.
when they made the altar call, i suddenly froze. then i thought to myself, if alvin comes down to look for me... maybe i'll go. for the record, alvin never comes over to nudge me for altar call. but of course, this time he did. when he popped up next to me, i started, and asked him why he came down to look for me. 'nothing, actually... but are you ok?' i shook my head, then tentatively told him about the altar call deal. he laughed and encouraged me to go.
but i didn't respond to the call in the end, and just stood there with alvin next to me. interestingly, ps khong suddenly made a second altar call for people who were feeling depressed. i raised my hands with no hesitation. pray for me please, i really need this.
alvin prayed for me at the same time ps khong was praying for those who'd raised their hands. i wasn't feeling anything, but my tears kept running from my closed lids.
when he was done, alvin stopped, and i opened up my eyes.
it was gone. there was nothing left... i didn't feel an ounce of sadness or fear. nothing.
i'm free!! :)
it's like a spirit which fled and is no longer torturing me. i do still need to confront my problems, but it's a lot easier without all that paranoia suffocating me.
it's been so good walking with God, hearing Him and experiencing His power. it really beats resting on my laurels.
posted by feline @ 7:38 PM
