i saw this day coming from a mile away

i knew it was coming ever since i read that CNN article. i tried to prevent it by taking proper lunches instead of eating in front of my computer, or taking deep breaths when everything got too overwhelming etc... after 1 week, i was back to eating in, and not taking a break until it was time to leave.

then today it finally happened. i had a meltdown at work.

in the morning i popped by the lab supplies store, anticipating my new card which will enable me to start buying stuff. alas, it wasn't ready due to one wrongly penned entry in the fill-in form so i had to call my office to settle the issue.

'oh no that post doc will be coming in by 2pm to start work... will i be able to buy everything he needs by then...?'

*breathe*

it's ok; i trudge all the way up-slope to the CeLS building where my office is located. one hour later, the card's ready! hallelujah! my office did it! *hearts them*

and just nice, some guys from my lab are going to grab some items from the store too! great, i've got some muscle to help me. :D

i bound into the store 15min later and started to browse through the shelves. after getting all that i needed, i looked up. the guys were nowhere to be found.

*breathe*

i called them and guess what? they'd forgotten about me. they've already left.

'but... i really need your help...'
'hey sorry man, i gotta get back to the office la'
'okay...'

*breathe*

i told myself it'll be okay. i will get everything up to that building; i can do it. it's only 3 boxes which i can come back later for, and my small items... i can put them in a large plastic bag...

OMG WHERE'RE ALL THE LARGE PLASTIC BAGS??!?!

'hey we ran out of the bags, only left with the small ones.'

*breathe*

how am i going to... i turned and begged the store lady to loan me one of her trolleys. she relented finally, in exchange for my handphone. so i packed everything on, thinking that all my problems were solved... when i stepped out of the store and

it was raining.

*breathe*

there is no way i can get anywhere without getting wet. and i can't come back twice in the rain, i have too much work to do, that vendor is coming later but i don't know what time so i need to stay in the office... and then the post doc is coming, and i need to help him make media and prepare for culture otherwise that boss is going to get angry and wonder why it's taking so long to set up the lab, omg, how am i going to bring this back, there's no way; steep slopes everywhere...

i just stood there looking dazed. i couldn't even push the trolley anywhere because the opening of the store led to a loading bay platform with stairs. how on earth am i going to...??!?!?!

then a lady came in with a brolly and i opened the door for her (it's a weird instinct that i can be on the verge of a meltdown and still be all chirpy and smiley and opening doors for people). with that, she gave me instructions on how i could find my way unto the second floor by using the fireman lift hidden somewhere.

i got out! but now... which way is best?

i hardened my resolve and decided that a little rain wouldn't kill me. but as i pushed my trolley through the throngs of students i just felt hurt and vulnerable as they stared at me.

why, WHY am i doing this? what i am at my job is a sai-gang warrior, here to accept arrows and stabs at my efforts while my professors threaten to fire me all the time, and getting the same pay as a poly graduate in the same lab but i'm working three times as hard.

*breathe*

why, God?

*breathe*

once i got to the slope, i was out of the shelter and it rained on me. everytime the trolley's wheels slipped and careened off my control my resolve slipped a little as well. and this was only downhill.

i made it past the bend, and looked up at the steep hill. i was so angry with whichever IDIOT THAT BUILT THE WORSE BUILDING IN THE WORLD, THE CELS BUILDING THAT HAS ONLY TWO ELEVATORS FOR HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE; THAT STUPID BUILDING THAT IS SO COLD; THAT STUPID BUILDING THAT IS SO HARD TO GET TO WITH NO SHELTER; THAT STUPID BUILDING WITH SLOPES SO STEEP THAT COULD KILL SOMEONE IF HE SLIPPED AND TUMBLED.

WHICH STUPID ARCHITECT/ESTATE DEVELOPER??!?!?!

i was entirely filled with rage at my lousy situation with that one boss, with how wretched my career was at that point, and how pathetic every effort of mine seemed.

then an angel came.

an indian man came with his brolly in the opposite direction, heading towards the canteen, and offered to shelter me back to the building. he helped me push the trolley with one hand while sheltering me in his brolly, and when we'd reached he said, 'we're all just human. God bless you.'

tears welled in my eyes. after thanking him, i tried to control myself.

*breathe, breathe, breathe*

i turned the corner with my trolley and saw my second angel.

alvin was walking towards me. he was happy, but when he saw my state he spoke from a distance with concern, 'why did you walk in the rain???'

i couldn't take it anymore; i just let everything out. i just kept crying and crying because it was everything that i'd endured for the past 2 weeks, and today was just the worse i've ever gone through. it had really brought me down so low that i wanted to leave everything and quit.

God, i hate my job.

alvin made the rest of the day better, by trying to dump me into the trolley and rolling me down the slope (i gave him an extremely watery laugh while objecting) and helping me with 5 other boxes of mine and carrying the trolley down the stairs so many times just to make my journey shorter.

and apparently he was at my building because he'd brought me soup from my favourite store. all that anger just melted away coz alvin was such great therapy and support.

*starts bawling* i don't know what to do about my job. there's no job satisfaction and not an ounce of recognition for my work. and i don't even think i'll be getting my bonus this year. it's very difficult for me to accept that sometimes things can just be so unfair when everything else is based on order and organization.

i must have fallen through the cracks somewhere.